Human
by casalass
Summary: Dean works at a car repair shop so he can afford to keep is brother at the local rehab center at the hospital. There he meets Castiel, a man who has been committed at the mental ward for 10 years. Note: This my first AU please tell me what you think! also there is no smut, sorry...and I'll try and update it regularly thanks and enjoy!
1. Chapter 1

Dean walks down the dimly lit street thinking about his brother Sam who just recently went back to rehab. Heroin is a strong drug and the abuse he committed on himself caused him to become mentally unstable, hallucinating things that aren't even there. This was not the only reason Dean was walking alone at 2 am the fact that his brother wants nothing to do with him also lays heavy on his mind.

"Where the hell did I park the damn car" he said to himself

Dean spots a car at the far end of the street but the light is so dim he has to walk closer to see that it indeed it is his 1967 Chevy Impala the only property his dad passed down to him when he died. Dean hardly thinks about his dad, because his memories of his father were never kind after his mother passed away when he was four. But when he does think about his Dad it's always about the time he took Sam and him fishing. He remembers how that was the day before his dad had to leave to work at the coal mine in Kansas, having to be left with their Dads old army buddy Bobby Singer, basically Deans second father. It was such a peaceful lake and it was the only decent memory he had of his father. Now, he thinks of how disappointed his father would be in him. Dean imagines his father shouting "how could you let your brother get caught up in drugs", Dean shouts back "I never knew that this would happen". Sam had so much promise he was going to go to college; he was going to be a better man then Dean. Dean never thought Sam's girlfriend Jessica would die because Sam didn't see that damn red light. Then leaving Sam with this pain Dean didn't know how to fix. So Sam with no other choice turns to drugs to dull his pain leaving him with this huge hole where his heart should be. Dean sighs out loud causing him to see his breath because of the cold. He opens the door to his car and sits there for a moment and takes deep sigh, "when did my life become so complicated" he thinks to himself. Dean drives off to his apartment he can barley pay for on his car technician salary but hell, it's close to the rehab center at local hospital. Though it pains Dean to have to keep Sam there, he knows it's for the best, and Dean always has Sam's best interest at heart. But somewhere along the way Sam has seemed to forgotten that. Dean works from nine in the morning till six at night, he then grabs some diner out, usually burgers because that's all he can afford, and finally goes to see his brother who never wants to see him. That's where Dean was tonight waiting for his brother to finally understand that he had to take him there, but Sam seems obvious to the importance of controlling his drug addiction. When Dean walks up five cases of stairs to his shitty room with limited lighting and most likely roach infested environment he crashes on his bed that creeks so much that his neighbors down stairs very regularly bang on the ceiling with their broom to tell him to be quiet. He finally closes his eyes to rest but his neighbors who must have fucking perfect hearing bang again walking him up, Dean was pissed he hasn't had a good day and this was not helping so he goes down the stairs to room 466 and bangs on the door so loudly he wakes up half the building. The door opens to a young girl with blond pig tails and a cute smile that's missing a few teeth.

"Hello "said the little girl with a lisp

Dean a little stunned from not expecting a little girl from answering the door quietly asks for her mother or father?

"My mom is sleeping, but I can wake her if you want?"

"No, that's okay I just have…never mind I can talk to her later."

"Annie what are you doing answering the door, I told you to never do that!" Scolds her mother

"I'm sorry mom I just I didn't want to wake you up." She said with a whine

"Oh, honey that's okay mommy doesn't want anyone hurting you, and besides that mans knocking was loud enough to wake up the entire apartment building." she said with hateful glance to Dean.

Hello…dean said quietly

"I hope you have a good reason for walking me up in the middle of the night?" She said with an agitated tone but Dean wasn't paying attention to what she was saying because she looked radiant in her robe with her long blond hair shinning like gold, Dean was speechless.

"Hello sir!"

"Oh yes, I'm sorry I forgot what I was going to say, ahhh, well I was wondering if you could please stop banging your roof?"

"That's what you woke me up about banging my roof."

"Well yeah I was trying to sleep, I'm sorry if my bed springs are loud but I can't help it."

"Oh, I'm sorry I didn't mean to but my daughter is afraid of monsters so I bang the ceiling to scare them off."

"Oh, I feel like an ass now…..it's okay do whatever helps to keep her sleeping peacefully."

She looks at Dean with sympathy in her eyes, "thank you".

"My names Dean, it's nice to meet you". He said with a smile

"My name is Joanne but people call me Joe".

"It was nice to meet you Joanne" he said while shaking her hand.

"Well, it's late I hope I'll see you soon". She said with a white toothy smile

Dean looks down and half smiles "me too".

Deans sitting in the waiting room of the hospital for his brother while reading one of the car magazines, when someone taps him on his shoulder. He turns his head to see this unshaven scrawny guy with deep sea blue eyes looking at him, Dean then notices he's wearing a trench coat and the hospital issued white tunic.

"Hey sir, can you tell me where the door is, I really need to get out of this hell hole."

"_Jesus_" Dean says to himself is this place that bad?

"Uhhhh… Look man, I'm not going to help you escape from a place you clearly need to be in."

"Dam it!" Shouts the deranged man in front of Dean

"I really wanted to get a nice juicy burger; I haven't had one in years." He says with a look of excitement.

Dean looks at the man for about two minutes and gives in because he had this puppy dog face that his brother would give whenever he wanted something." Oh. Man I know I'm going to regret this but the exit is to left." He told the strange man

Oh thanks man, by the way nice leather jacket, oh and my name is Castiel! He said while putting his hand out. Dean then returns the gesture while saying his name, he smiles and said to Castiel to "Go get that damn burger man."

Thanks said Castiel with a wide smile while he runs off.

Two hours later he sees Castiel sedated while being carried back to the mental ward. Dean sighs I knew he wouldn't get to far. Dean doesn't know why but he has this sick feeling in his stomach, but later he figures it was because he felt sorry for the poor guy. So he tells himself that next time he comes here he will give the man his damn burger.

Later that night while opening his door to his apartment, he sees Annie out the corner of his eye.

"What are you doing here Annie?" He asked while kneeling to be eye level with the girl.

"Well I was wondering why you always look so sad when you come back from work."

"Mmh…it's nothing really my brother is just sick and I'm very worried for him."

"Oh, I hope he's okay," and then when she's about to leave she turns around with excitement in her eyes oh and my mom thinks you're cute, I heard her tell that to one of her grownup friends, then she said something about riding a horse. Which is funny because how can you ride a horse in here?

Dean laughs knowing what her mother meant. "Well any ways why are you here."

"I wanted to see where you lived."

"Oh really why?"

"I don't know I just like you, because you look like one of my ken dolls."

"Annie!" Shouts her mother "I told you don't run of on mommy, you could hurt yourself or worse I could lose you." She looks worriedly at her daughter for a moment before glancing at Dean.

"I'm sorry is she bothering you?"

"No not at all, she just wanted to know where I lived."

"I'm glad she ran into you and nobody else."

"Well, thank you for being so kind, oh and I'm glad we ran into each other again."

"Me too Dean says smitten."

"So do you want to go out and get some coffee some time?"

"Sure, how about Friday."

"Okay Friday then."

Dean has a hard time trying to convince the nurse to let him bring the burger to Castiel but when he gives his charming smile she gives in.

"Oh fine" she said, "but don't make me regret my decision."

Dean with an excited smile said "oh don't worry you won't."

The nurse takes Dean through the door where he sees this man sitting in an arm chair doing a crossword puzzle.

Nurse Meg do you know what a six letter word for spite?

"Ahhhhh, I'm not sure."

"Oh never mind I know it, its malice." He said to himself

Well, any way Castiel there's a man here to see.

"Yes I know I saw him entre with you, but I want to know is what his name is, and how I know him."

Dean steps forward putting his hand in front of Castiel with a huge goofy smile.

Castiel looks him over with a judging eye. "Well you look sane". He said

"Well yeah generally sane people put their hands out to greet people."

Castiel chuckles, "I knew I would like you."

"So… you remember me from yesterday?" Dean said with surprise.

"Yes I do, oh and thank you by the way for showing me the way out."

Dean looks at the ground for a little while with what should have been an awkward silence.

"Well any way" Dean said "I brought you this double cheeseburger from my favorite diner."

Castiel eyes light up. "Really" he said in astonishment

"Yeah, this is really stupid… I just felt bad you know."

Castiel looks up at him and says thank you with a meaningful tone, hey why don't you sit down. Dean looks to Castiel's side and sees another arm chair he then takes a seat. Castiel takes out the burger and starts to eat it. As Castiel bits into the burger he closes his eyes as if he felt a spiritual connection come over him, he then savors every bite. "Mmmh, these make me so…happy." he said with his mouth full.

Dean smirks at Castiel, and thinks to himself this guy is crazy, but a nice kind of crazy."So…Why are you in this place?" Asks Dean

Castiel laughs at himself. "Well, I'm crazy you see, I hear people and see people who aren't here, and they tell me to do these things that… hurt others." He says in a monotone voice and he looks off at a distance like he was in trance.

Dean gulps, "what kind of things did they make you do?" Dean asked with a slight stutter.

"Does it really matter what I did, I still hurt people I care about, thinking it was the best thing for them, and that's what makes me crazy Dean, so I suggest you stay fifty feet away from me, because you don't know what I'll do next." Castiel looks wild while he's talking but slowly clams down. "I'm sorry; I sometimes get worked up very easily."

Dean stares intently at him, despite Castiels best efforts he didn't scare off Dean. So after awhile of silence Dean speaks up. "You want to know what's crazy. I'll tell what's crazy me coming here every day for a brother who doesn't even want to see me, why you ask? Well it's because I forced him into this place. You see one day I came home from work and found my brother lying still on the floor of my rank apartment, and do you know why…I'll tell you why it's because he over dosed on heroin and do you know what the doctors told me, they said if I didn't walk through that fucking door when I did he would have died. So if you don't mind I think I would rather be crazy with you then feel this god damn pain that eats away at me every night." Dean stops tears almost pouring down his cheeks but he controls himself before he looks anymore crazy then he feels right now.

Castiel looks at him with tears in his eyes; "you know I think this going to be the start of a wonderful friendship."


	2. Chapter 2

Dean wakes up his head bursting with pain, "oh man hangovers are the worst". He sit up on his dingy mattress, he squints a little because of the light. He throws on a pair of pants and a shirt then he takes an aspirin. Completely forgetting about the women in his bed, who by chance happens to be Joanne. He turns to shut the door to his room when he spots her on the bed. Dean then grabs a piece of paper and pen from the nearby table and writes; _Good morning sleeping beauty_, _thank you for a wonderful night Joanne, I'm sorry I can't stay to see you wake up, I have to go to work. Ps. there's coffee and pancakes waiting for you on the table._ Dean quickly makes the coffee and pancakes before he has to leave, while humming metallic. When everything is set he closes the door quietly as not to disturb her sleep. While Dean drives to his job at Carl's Garage he thinks about the night before, how he took her to his favorite dinner, to the drive in movies, and finally to a bar to get stone cold drunk, but she was lady throughout the whole night and Dean was a gentlemen as well. to be honest she was a lot more classy then the other girls he usually brings back to his apartment which was a change, but he didn't feel anything really for her, yeah he was smitten at first but something felt different after their first date, like something was missing from their new relationship. Dean sighs, this is way I'm single he says to himself, nothing is good enough for me. Dean not wanting to think any more puts on one of his cassettes, Led Zeppelin his favorite band, but while driving and losing himself in the music a thought crosses the back of his mind, maybe I'll go see Castiel today.

* * *

"He's not in a good mood today Dean, his dose of medication has been changed. He's been having a tough time adjusting to it, and you're not going to convince me to change my mind again, I already got yelled at by my boss for letting you bring in that burger." She says with a stern tone

Dean looks at her for moment and thinks about trying to convince her but lets it drop. Dean then walks over to the waiting room to sit and read for a bit, but when the nurse is gone he sneaks through the personal only door, then he walks down the corridor sneakily. He finally reaches the common room to see Castiel in fetal position. He walks sheepishly up to him. Hey there buddy what's up? Castiel looks up and his eyes are in a glossy drug induced haze.

Are you real or are you in my mind?

"I'm real"

"Highly doubt it, that's what the others would say, but you do look familiar have we met before?" Castiel Said with a head tilt.

"Yes I just saw you Thursday."

"Oh…Oh right…Dean!" He said with excitement

Dean smiles, yeah right. So how are today?

Castiel shrugs his shoulders, I could be better, but you know it won't always be difficult. Castiel stops talking for moment and looks as if he were trying to figure something out. Then he finally speaks up, "do you ever wish Dean that there was a magical pill that could takes away pain and gives you pure happiness without getting addicted to it."

"Yeah, I have but you know life isn't that simple, it's complicated as fuck. I believe if we had a magical pill to take away all this pain we deal with that it would take away from the purpose of life, which to me is to live through all this shit and finally die with the peace of knowing that you have accomplished the most difficult trial that every one go's through, surviving life and all the crap it throws at you. To me I will feel happiest knowing that I survived life, and well dying happy is the biggest eff you to life there is."

"Yeah but life also gives you love."

"Dean thinks for a minute on what Castiel said and finally says. I don't think life gives you love I think we find it on our own, and I really don't want life to take credit for something I achieved."

Castiel looks at him with wide eyes and a big dorky smile." I like you; you're not just a pretty face you know."

Dean caught off guard by Castiel forwardness blushes and turns away from him from a minute. "Umm…yeah well it's just how I feel."

"So do think your brother will see you today?" Asks Castiel

Dean looks down," I don't know, how about you did you see anybody who wasn't here recently?"

Castiel's shoulders sink down; he then looks cold and reserved, "yes. I don't want to talk about it right now, let's talk about something else, ah…how was your date yesterday?"

Dean sits down in the chair next to Castiel, "it went well, but you know I wasn't as into to her as thought I was. There's was something missing, but I think that an excuse to just deny myself any happiness really."

Castiel looks at Dean, I don't thinks it's because you're denying yourself happiness I think it's because you haven't found the right one yet.

"Maybe…I don't know man, I just never had a decent relationship with anyone before, and plus why would the right one even want a drop out from high school."

Castiel looks at him with a bit of pity. "If the girl doesn't like you the way you are then she's not for you. Also don't sell yourself short there are a lot of great things about you that trump you being a drop out."

Dean looks at him, with a smile on his face and says thanks" man; you probably think I'm just crazy."

"I don't think you're crazy, I think you're just human."

Dean just sits there for a while not saying anything, and just thinking of how much of a fool he is for telling a stranger all his secrets and fears, But after a good 20 minutes he decides not to think about too much, because this is the happiest he's been in a long time.


	3. Chapter 3

It's been two weeks since Dean first met Castiel and he now knows that Cas has been at the mental ward for ten years, he was first admitted when he was 18, and in that time he has had ten mental break downs, forgot to take his meds four times, and hurt one nurse. Castiel now knows that Dean Works at a garage. Had a dad who drank a lot after his Wifes death, and a brother who doesn't want anything to do with him. The thing that bothered Dean the most was he didn't care that Castiel was a little unstable, he didn't care that he was little forward, and he damn right didn't care that Castiel can flip a switch at any time and could hurt him. Dean tells himself that it's not weird for him to find a friend who's committed into a metal ward but yet who cares if he enjoys Castiel's company so He works until the end of his shift and heads over to hospital like he always does he first waits for Sam and finally heads toward the mental ward to speak with Cas but he doesn't find so he then asks one of the nurses where he can find Castiels room.

"He has room 421."

"Thank you" replies Dean

Dean walks down a dark hall way with various screaming occurring. Dean sees Castiel's room and takes a deep breath and opens the door. He spots Castiel on his bed crying. Dean quietly speaks up.

"Hey you okay Cas?"

"Go away!" Cas screams

"No dice man, why don't you talk about it with me?"

"Cas quietly says, just leave me alone Dean."

"I don't think so."

"Why?"

"Because you're my friend and you need someone right now so I'm going to stay right here until you talk to me, about what you're going through right now?" He says nervously

"Fine."

"Good."

"I just…I… I was thinking about my family and how I was so lost and gone I was before I got help."

"What happened?"

"Well, when I was 18 I started seeing these people who weren't actually here…he pauses for an instance but of course I didn't know that at the time. During this time I was quite lonely I had no friends…and these people I saw were like friends to me, and like friends they easily convinced me to do things that hurt myself and others . My parents began to see a change in me, they started to notice that I was talking to myself a lot, and when they asked me who I was talking too I told them my friends. But there was this one day when everyone was gone and it was just me and my sister, my "friends" somehow convinced me to start cutting myself….Cas looks down at his arms and pulls his sleeve and there Dean sees scares, cut marks that have faded over time. Cas counties with his story then I started bleeding profusely and as you can see I cut myself so deeply that I had to have stitches, my sister was the one who found me lying unconscious in the bathroom. I woke up in here a few hours later He says with tears rolling down his cheeks. The worst part is they never came back for me; I've been here ever since."

"I'm sorry; it must be difficult to live with that guilt."

"You must think me a monster."

"I don't think you're a monster, only because a monster would have no guilt, you obviously have plenty."

Thank you.

"You're welcome. Dean says with a smile has to try and cheer him up."

"Dean."

Yes Cas.

"No matter what people may say, you really are a good person. So don't let any ever tell you otherwise."

"I won't I have you to remind me."


	4. Chapter 4

A couple days after Dean's talk with Cas he gets a call from the hospital telling him that Sam will be moved to the mental ward because of his recent problems. Apparently he has harmed to nurses because he thought they were demons. Dean sighs as he listens to how the assault came to be.

"Yeah thanks for telling me, He tells the nurse." He then hangs up the phone and finishes getting ready for the work day. A few hours later he finds himself pacing outside the same mental ward he visited just yesterday because he just doesn't know what to do, should he confront his brother now or later. After hours of contemplating Dean ends up going to Cas for advice which he thinks is ridiculous why would Cas want to hear about his problems, But then again isn't that what they were doing before; getting involved in each other's personal life?

He walks up to Cas's room timidly which is unusual to see from Dean and Cas takes it as a sign that Dean could possibly be troubled. Cas looks at Dean worriedly and says is something brothering you Dean?

Dean stops playing with his hands and looks up at Cas.

"Yeah, it's just I need to talk to someone about Sam."

"Well what's wrong? Asks Cas

"I just don't know if I should see him, he's here in the mental ward now, and I just…I feel that maybe I should wait. What do you think?"

"You're asking me what I think. Cas laughs a little, I never thought someone would want to ask me for advice."

"Never mind it was stupid, I'll just see him later." Dean starts to walk out the door but Cas Stops him.

"No! Dean, I'm sorry it's just this all new to me, I just thought I never would have a friend would need my advice."

Dean turns around…"Thanks Cas."

Castiel froze for a moment no has ever called him Cas before. He was dumfounded yes Dean called him Cas Often now but he had yet to notice how pleasant it was for someone to think highly enough to shorten his name to three letters. He then smiles to himself.

Cas. Why are you smiling? Asks Dean

"Oh, it's nothing." he says while shrugging it off, he then redirects the conversation towards Dean's predicament. "Dean what are you most comfortable doing, do you think you're up to talking to your brother tonight or do want to wait until you can collect yourself."

"I don't know, I think I'll feel better if I talk to him now, I've had this awful pain in my stomach ever since I found him that day."

"Then maybe you should talk to him today, you have nothing to lose."

"Yeah your right, I will talk to him tonight." But before Dean leaves he turns around and looks Cas in the eyes and says "thank you Cas."

* * *

Dean walks away from Cas's room and finds a nurse. Feeling like a weigh was lifted of his shoulders. He never knew how good it felt to talk to someone about your troubles.

"Excuse me miss? Do you happen to know where Sam Winchester's room is?"

"Yes, I do, it's nice to see you again Dean. Did you already see Cas?"

"Yeah I did."

That's good. Sam is in room 406, normally I wouldn't tell someone where a patient is staying but you're his brother and you come here every day to see. I just thought what hell why not. Oh and before you go Dean, Sam is on medication now so if you want to talk to him he won't hurt you.

Dean walks the dimly lit hallway and finds Sam room which is closed. He breaths in and out and then knocks on the door.

Come in! Shouts Sam.

Dean takes the invention not worrying that it was probably for a nurse instead of for Dean. Dean walks in slowly and then says shyly "Hello Sammy."

Sam looks up with a disappointed look on his face.

Dean…please go…I can't…I just…I can't look at you. He says face down into his book.

Sam please I can't stand you being angry with me, you're the only family I got.

Dean, I can't do this right now, I can't look you in eyes Dean.

"I know, I'm sorry, but I had to take you here, so you could get better. Sam when I saw you lying on that floor, I was scared I was afraid I lose you forever. So I told myself that I'll do whatever I could get you on the track again. I love you Sam you're the only family I have left and I'm not going to give up on you, and if that means you won't talk to me then let it be. Just know this whenever you fall I will be there to pick you right back up again."

Sam, who is still looking at his book, starts to feel tears fall down his cheeks.

"Dean, I'm sorry. I have failed you so many times and I just don't what I can do to make it better. I'm drowning right now and I don't know if I will ever resurface. I didn't talk to you because I'm angry with you Dean, it was because I 'm such screw up. I thought that if I was out of your life that you could finally have time to be happy."

Dean wipes away his tears, and hugs Sam tightly, and he's holding on to his brother he notices the feeling he felt before comfort like he finally had a place it felt like home, and that feeling left him a long time ago.

"Dean" says Sam

"Yes"

"I still miss her" he weeps

"I know" says Dean as he holds Sam.


	5. Chapter 5

Castiel is walking down the halls of the mental ward looking for a phone, why? He doesn't quite know why either, he just knows he needs to speak to Dean even if it's in the middle of the night. Cas walks subtly around as not to be noticed by the nurses working the night shift. He spots the station where the nurse's rest and flops down onto the floor. While crawling to the door Castiel avidly listens to the nurses complain about one of their coworkers. Castiel smile while holding a laugh for he dealy loves the way people interact, but the he hears them shuffling towards the door and moves out of view. He waits there for five minutes while the nurses talk and talk until finally they leave the personal only courters. Castiel stands up quietly and puts his back to the wall which was not entirely needed to accomplish stealth. He slowly inches his way to the door until he bumps into what seems to be a large person. Dam it he thinks to himself with his eyes closed shut, I must have bumped into one of the oxens of the male staff. He slowly opens his eyes and turns his head to the left and before him was a giant moose of man, but not staff.

"Who the hell are you says Castiel?"

"I could ask the same about you. Says the man"

"I'm a patient here says Castiel."

"Me too, my names Sam Winchester he says while holding out his hand to greet Cas."

"Really? Castiel looks Sam over in astonishment; your brother didn't tell me you were a Sasquatch."

Sam looks at him with slight curiosity, "how do you know my brother?"

"Oh, forgive me, my name is Castiel. I met your brother two weeks ago while I was trying to escape."

"That was you, oh man you had the whole staff freaked out, and it was best thing I have seen in long time."

"Castiel smiles with pride, thanks, but really I just wanted to get a dam burger."

Sam smiles," so…ah what are you doing here in front of this door?"

Castiel quietly says, "well I was trying to use the phone to talk to your brother."

Sam laughs under his breath, "me too he says."

"Okay then why don't we just go and use the phone."

They walk into the staff room and quickly spot the phone. But they both awkwardly bump into each other while grabbing it.

"Oh sorry man, you go ahead first," Says Sam while moving backwards away from the phone.

"Thanks, but you're his brother you should go first."

"No man it's, alright you go ahead."

"No you….never mind I'll just go first, we were starting to get receptive."

Cas then picks up the phone and dials Deans number that he got just yesterday. It rings for a few times before Dean finally answers it.

"Hello?" Dean answers

"Hello Dean." Says Castiel nervously, because he's never really talked to Dean when outside of the ward.

"Cas? What's wrong? Are you hurt?"

"No… I'm fine…"

Dean cuts off Cas, "then why did you call?"

"I…just needed to talk to you about something."

"Well …what is it?"

Cas sighs…"I…this was a stupid idea, I'm sorry."

"No, Cas please tell me what's wrong?"

"Oh, it's nothing really, I'm just having a difficult day, and you always know the right thing to say. I was sitting on my bed early and I felt this huge emotional tide come over. You know how sometimes you could be having the happiest day of your life but then you have this feeling that something missing, or there's something wrong about enjoying yourself, and you just sit there thinking maybe I should just die and then everything awful you ever felt will just go all away."

Deans quite for a second but then Cas hears a muffled sound from the phone.

"Look Cas we've all had those thoughts but I swear to if you just live through this everything will be okay. I know it's not okay right now but by god it will be. I know Cas you feel alone, hell I have felt what you felt before but you should know this, you are loved. So whatever you're thinking of doing, don't do it. Because dam I wouldn't be able to handle this crap life without you."

Cas holds back his tears, "thank you Dean, you always know the right thing to say. I'm sorry…I'm so stupid."

"You're not stupid Cas, you're just human."

"Thank you, umm… by the way your brother wants to talk to you."

Cas looks up at Sam who was holding back tears as well. Sam takes the phone and starts to talk. Cas at this point turns his focus to the door, that he worries will open soon. But before Sam hangs up the phone he hears him say.

"Don't worry Dean I will. I'll make sure he's alright. Okay bye, yes don't worry, now good night.

"So Cas, how about we go steal some candy and watch John Wayne movies?"

"Cas looks up at Sam with slight curiosity and says, John what?"

* * *

It was an hour ago Dean got the call from Cas and he was worrying his ass off. He never before had to talk a friend out of suicide. He was shaking and hyperventilating, and hoping to god his brother watches over him. It was a month ago Dean found himself seeking the company of Castiel and in that month he has told him secrets even his girlfriend doesn't know, so losing Cas would kill Dean and that's what's causing his insomnia tonight. So for the past hour Dean has burned into his memory every crack and every crevice of his apparent. While he walks across the floor of his apartment he wakes his neighbor Jo, after an hour pacing he finally decides to go for a walk and as he opens the door to leave he finds jo standing before him.

"Oh, hey Jo, Says Dean with a little surprise."

"Hi, Dean I was just wondering if you were alright, says Jo with a concerned tone"

Dean sighs and nods his head as to say yes, but Jo saw right through his act.

"We both know that isn't true." She says sternly

Dean looks at her for a moment, "fine, I'm going for a walk do you want to come with me?"

"Sure."

They walk down stairs while throwing their jackets on. Dean walks into the cold night and takes deep breath and then lets it out. He looks at Jo. She so beautiful and caring, I'm just stringing her along, she deserves better then what I 'm doing to her, he thinks to himself.

"So what's the matter she asks?"

Dean stops walking, and stands there trying to hold back this emotional wreck that's going to unfold.

"My friend Cas, he's a…not having a good day…he was just talking to me about taking his life…and god ….god I hope I got through to him."

Jo stops walking and turns back to him. You're a good friend Dean. "If you told him that he's important, I have no doubt he will not commit suicide."

"Yeah…I hope your right."

She goes to up to Dean, and hugs him. "I love you". She then stands on her tip toes and kisses Dean, but Dean doesn't kiss back.

"Dean, what's wrong?"

Dean looks at her, with sadness in his eyes. "It's… just you said you love me."

"Yeah I know, it's how I feel about you."

"I know it's…I can't say the same…I'm sorry. I don't feel the same way."

She looks down, and then looks up again, "I knew I was more committed to this relationship more than you." She says with tears in her eyes.

Dean rubs his eyes," I'm sorry…I should have told you early."

"Well, Dean…you are a good friend but a terrible boyfriend. I know you're sorry, you're a good guy but your bad at relationships, and that's okay but before you ever start a new one make sure you know how you feel first, that way the good guys doesn't look like the bad guy." She says not in a bitter tone but in a loving one, and then she walks away into the apartment leaving Dean alone.


	6. Chapter 6

Dean wasn't surprised by the break up, he was actually quite relieved but that feeling left an aching pit in his stomach, and how could he feel happy about a break up. He carried on a relationship with someone he didn't have romantic feelings for, and the worst part is he wasn't even going to break up with her. _"By god"_ Dean thinks to himself _"I must be pretty fucked up". _Dean knows the only reason he kept up with his fantasy relationship was because he felt neglected of human contact, the feel of someone holding you and having this unspoken understanding between one another is like a drug, and Dean needed a fix. Dean in a way loved Jo but his feelings could never really developed. He loved the little things she did but there something missing, which Dean feels could have been passion. Love without passion tends to burn its self out, but passion can burn and devour love whole.

Dean feels the days pass him by and in those days he finds himself happier when his time is spent with Castiel. Dean doesn't know why but he thinks of Cas often, in everything he does Cas is there. Cas motives Dean, he gives him a new life to live. He doesn't feel worthless when with Cas, he feels free, and that's what scares Dean the most, needing someone so much that without them you wouldn't know how to survive. He never wants anyone to have that much power over him but yet Cas is different it's like if he had Dean's heart it wouldn't be trampled on, it would be protected and cared for. Dean feels this and much more while hiding in the corner of Cas's room, he knows Castiel would never ridicule him feeling this but he keeps quite because these feelings are as new to Dean as they probably are to Cas.

"Dean!" Shouts Cas while taking Dean out of his stupor

"Yes!" Dean scrambles to say

"Were you listening to me?"

"Yeah, I was you were talking about a um…how… what was it…oh I know bananas skins were once thought to have psychoactive tendencies." Said Dean with a mimicking smile, but froze as like in a trance because there was something about Cas that Dean couldn't quite put his finger on. The way he talked about unimportant facts and trivial things the more it made is eyes light up. Dean liked this most about Cas, whenever he was immensely happy his eyes would light up. Dean found himself moving closer and closer to Cas like he was hypnotized. And as Cas continued talking Dean found himself out of his body and kissing him, but as soon as Cas kissed him back he felt every sensation, his heart leaped, his pupils dialed and his hands start to shake, and Cas's hands oh god were holding to Dean tightly. The room was falling into the background, leaving Dean to hear and feel all of Cas. They were surrounded by all of their emotions which were flowing around them peacefully. Dean holds on tight to this feeling but as soon as Cas leaves Dean's grasp the feelings are gone leaving an absent feeling in Dean. He then backs away from Cas who himself looks terrified. Cas sits there thinking about the kiss and Deans lips upon his own and that leaves Dean standing there alone in the corner not talking but staring at Cas. They don't speak they don't say a word and that's where they leave it, unspoken.

* * *

Sam is sitting on his bed reading the outsiders when is brother sheepishly comes in.

"Hey Sammy. "

"Hey Dean" said Sam while taking his attention of his book.

"How are you?"

Sam looks up at Dean knowing soothing was off, "how am I, Dean are you okay?"

"Yeah,"

"No, you are not. So what's up?"

"Nothing, it's just….God damn it Sam I kissed Cas!" He exclaimed

Sam sits still, "and did you like it?"

"Yeah I did…"

"Do you like Cas in that way?"

"Yes I guess I do."

"Then what's the problem?"

"That's it Sam there is no problem, I mean I couldn't care less if Cas was guy because he makes me so fucking happy that I just, I don't know. He just makes me happy Sam, and that's all I really care about." Dean looks over to Sam and sees a big smile on his face.

"What?"

"Nothing Dean, it's just good to see you happy."

Dean smiles while shouting "shut up bitch!"

"Whatever jerk!"

although they happily smile at each other they still both know their relationship isn't entirely fixed, but they can feel it repairing step by step.


	7. Chapter 7

The sensation of the kiss still ached upon his lips even after two weeks. Dean and Cas never talked about the kiss. But you could feel the tension in the room whenever they were together. Dean felt like he should say something but he always stopped himself; it wasn't out of fear it was because he felt he didn't need to label what Cas and he had. To be honest Dean didn't even know what they had but it seemed to be fixing them both from the inside out. Their relationship was changing them to be better people than they were. Dean and Cas find that it was better to leave their relationship as just a friendship because they had both felt that they weren't ready to admit what they felt, But neither knew that. So they let it stay as regular visits and laughs at a hospital that smelled of sanitizer. Dean walks down the hall way and he can feel the tension building and yet he comes anyway maybe he's crazy but to hell with crazy caused dean needs Cas and Cas needs Dean and that's all that will ever matter to the both of them.

Dean left his brothers room to head to Cas's room. He paused; there was an unfamiliar voice at the door. He froze it was female, who could be visiting Cas? Dean thought to himself. He moves closer in to hear what they're talking about.

"Castiel, you know mom and dad loved you right."

"Yeah, and leaving me at a mental ward alone, not even visiting shows me they did care," Cas scoffed.

"Maybe they did leave you here but they have regretted their decision for just a long time."

"Well could they tell me this before?" He shouted

It's quite for a while, and all Dean can hear is his breathing. Then Cas spoke.

"I was here, I have always been here waiting for them to come and visit Anna but they never did. So don't tell me they cared, and even if they regretted there decision I would still be here for them to tell to my face. "

"I know."

Cas laughs, "and yet here you are defending them, really you're not that much different from them. It took you dad's death to come here. That's just perfect."

"I'm sorry."

"Yeah well, you know I'm sorry as well, I'm sorry I wasted my time caring about a family that never cared about me. Can you just leave? I don't want to go to Dad's funeral. I 'd rather be here alone then have to meet people who will say to me what shame, because it's not a shame, he wasn't a good father and I don't want to stand there and lie to people's faces. So I ask you again to please leave me alone."

Dean knocks on the door, the tension in the room was raising and he felt that Cas needed him this moment." Hello, Cas it's me, am I interrupting something, should I come back later."

Cas who was lying in the bed sits up, and greets Dean. "Oh no, it's fine my sisters here to visit me."

"Oh really that's great." Dean said awkwardly

Cas half's similes, "yeah it is."

"Hi, Anna right?"

"Yes, excuse me who are you; I know your name is Dean but how do you know my brother."

Dean smiles a wide smile. "Well it's a funny story really" Dean said while rubbing the back of his neck.

"Alright, how weird is it."She said with a grin.

"I met your brother here in the hospital. And you won't believe me but Cas was just running around in a trench coat trying to escape just so he could get a burger. "

She looks at Dean quizzically, "and you just decided to be friends with him."

"Yeah well I felt bad for him, he just wanted a burger. He was fantastic, and I just started hanging with him after that."

She sighs, "Are you for real; you just became friends with a mental patient. Because I pretty sure no sane person would do that. I mean I are you alright because my brother is crazy, he really is, he's hurt people and your putting yourself in harm's way, because I don't know any person who would be friends with person like my brother. So you are either making fun of him or you're just as crazy as him."

"Shut up Anna! God you're so infuriating, I didn't even know why you came here, if you just going guilt trip me, because frankly I have nothing to feel guilty for."

Dean walks over to Cas. "Hey it's alright, she's protecting you, and I mean it is kind of odd that I would friends with you."

Cas looks at Dean "What? "

"No that's not what I meant, Cas please I'm sorry"

Cas looks at Dean with hurt in his eyes

"Can you both please just leave? "

Anna walks over to Cas gives him a hug, "sure."

Reluctantly Dean follows Anna towards the door, and while outside they both take deep breaths.

"So, why where you at the hospital, when you met Castiel"

"I was visiting my bother."

"Oh, can I ask you something personal."

"Yeah, sure I guess."

"Why did you become friends with my brother?"

"I don't know he seemed like he needed someone, I needed someone."

She half smiles, "and pulls out a cigarette. Do you want to outside with me?"

"Sure I need I break from being in here." He looks at her with surprise.

She looks at Dean and sees the expression on his face.

"What?" She shrugs

"Nothing I just thought you were the good Christian girl type."

She laughs while opening the door to the smoking zone.

"Funny, I never thought somebody would ever say that to me."

"Why?"

"Because growing up in house hold like mine, with bible thumpers, I would think would lead people to believe that the good preacher's daughter was nothing of the sort." She punches him in the shoulder; "you know the whole stereo type where the preacher's daughter is a whore." She then lights her cigarette

"Well were you?"

"No, I just took up smoking because I couldn't stand my dad's hate preaching."

"Yet you were still here trying to get Cas to go to the his dad's funeral."

"The way I figure it is, if I don't ask him, he will never get closure."

"Is his mother still alive?"

"No."

"And you never came to tell him."

"I sent him a letter, my dad didn't want his crazy son to be there, of course I didn't tell Cas that. She shacks off."

Dean stands there quietly thinking.

"You know I don't know why I'm telling you all this, it just seems like you such good friends with Castiel."She inhales the somke from her cigarette; she then exhales it out. "Or I could just like you." She winks at him.

Dean half's smiles," thank you."

"Look how cocky you are, you must get that a lot." She said in astonishment

"Not really, but it's nice to know women think that."

She flings her cigarette to the ground and stomps it out. She then pulls Dean towards her and kisses him. Dean mortified at she's doing pulls back with shocked eyes.

"Umm…Well thank you…That's very nice of you but…."

She smiles at him. "Do you have a girlfriend? All the good guys do."

"Not really, I just…no actually "

She smiles knowing all too well what Dean is trying to say.

"You like my brother, don't you."

"Yes I do."

"Good, he needs somebody who cares too much. It would be contrast to how much his family cared."

"Thank you but I would say that I mean you obviously cared."

"Yeah well, he wouldn't know." She looks over to Dean." I like you your smart, and that's good for Cas being so naive and all."

"Thanks, hey by the way, why did you kiss me. If you knew I liked your brother."

"I wanted to know what it was like to kiss before my brother does. I'm selfish like that." she said jokingly. She then starts walking back to her car.

"Well, you're too late!" He shouted

"Good!" She shouted back.

* * *

Dean walks back to Cas's door and lightly knocks.

"Yes!" Cas shouted back.

"It's me, I just wanted to I'm sorry."

Cas looks at Dean. "its fine I know what you meant."

"She was really just worried about you."

"Yeah, but I don't why it took her for so long to come and talk to me."

"Maybe, it was hard for to get away from your dad."

"If that's the case I dint know why she just didn't tell me."

"I don't know Cas that's something you need to sort with her."

"You're probably right."

"So are you going to your dad's funeral?"

"I really don't want to."

"Maybe it would be good for you; you never really had a good relationship with your dad."

"See that's why I don't want to go, it's not like I did anything to ruin our relationship, it was mainly his problem but something is telling me that I should have done more you know."

"Yeah, I understand all too well. When my dad died I didn't know if I should have gone to funeral but it was bobby, my dad's best friend that helped me find the strength to forgive him. I'm not saying you have to forgive your dad I'm just saying that if you want to be a better person than your dad ever was then maybe you should be the one to forgive first, not that you your dad has to forgive you for anything, I just think it will give you some closer. It did for me."

"Cas smiles, you know you're really wise for someone your age."

"I wasn't always like that you know. I use to be stubborn as a mule but after Sammy's incident, I realized I can't stay mad forever, because the people you love may be gone forever. It still took me a while to grow up after my dad's funeral, but seeing my brother lying on that floor gave me wake up call, that my dad couldn't give me."

Cas plops down on his bed with his hand rubbing his eyes. "Ugh, maybe I will go, just to do the right then puts his hands down and looks up at dean, will you go with me?"

"Sure if that will make you feel better."

"Thanks Dean."

Dean sits down in one of the green arm chairs when an idea comes to him. "Hey Cas I know how you can get rid of some of your stress." He said with excitement.

"What?"

He smiles a wild grin. "You Sammy and I can go on a picnic. "

* * *

This is the perfect day to sneak Cas out of the ward to have a picnic at Deans favorite park. The sun was shining but early this week it has been drowned out by the extreme cold but today was seventy five degrees the perfect weather Dean thought for a picnic. He grabbed everything a blanket and a tin lunch box to keep the food in. it wasn't much just three ham sandwiches but Dean figured Cas hasn't been outside and away from the mental ward in a long time so it should suffice for him. Cas, Sam and Dean were going to sneak out and enjoy the spring air and Dean couldn't help but laugh, because god it has been such a turn of events that he doesn't know what else to do but laugh. Who thought that he would be on good terms with his brother again, that he would find a friend in all this, because god he sure didn't. Dean finally reaches the hospital and takes the elevator four floors up. When he gets to the nurses' station the nurse looks the other way while he sneaks in and out of the ward with Sam and Cas.

"So Dean, where are you taking us?" Asked Sam

"Well, I was thinking about going to my favorite park in the city Eleanor Roosevelt Park."

Sam who is the seat next to Dean looks over at him. "Really a picnic?"

"Yeah, what's wrong with picnics?"

"What's wrong with picnics? Umm…Everything that's the type of thing you do with a partner."

"No families go on picnics all the time!" Dean argues. Dean then looks in the review mirror. "What do you think Cas, is going to the park romantic or family friendly?"

"Well, having a picnic does indicate romantic feelings but if you had kids it would look like a family outing."

Dean huffs. "you guys are nuts, everybody has picnics in a park and it never looks like a romantic date."

"Sure whatever you say Dean." Chuckled Sam

"Bitch."

"Jerk."

"I don't understand what are you two doing, I thought you liked each other now?" Said Cas from the back seat.

Dean laughs. "Every things fine Cas, I'm just picking on my little brother. Dean then starts messing up Sam's hair."

"Stop it!"

"No."

"Fine."

Dean pulls into the parking lot and stops the car. "So here we are guys!" He said with excitement.

"Dean, you shouldn't be this excited."

To hell I shouldn't be, I have got my brother and my best friend this is the best day of my life.

Castiel smiles in the backseat. Being someone's bets friend is nice, and knew to Cas.

"Come on Cas!" Dean Yelled from outside. "The sun isn't going to stay forever!"

They walk the path on the park to a somewhat frosted area with plenty of pine and oak trees to protect them from the sun. Cas finds the perfect spot under a breach tree to put the blanket. When there settled Dean hands Cas a soda. Dean finds the pale and hands them their sandwiches.

"You know Dean this wasn't a bad idea after all." Sam said while lounging on the blanket, he finished his sandwich just a few minutes ago while Cas was still eating his.

Dean laughs a little. "I knew you would like it."

"Oh, well aren't you intuitive." Sam said sarcastically.

Cas laughs. He never felt such a warm feeling of belonging before, and to tell you the truth he hopes this day will never end.

"Hey Cas what do you think?" Asked Dean

"I'm very content Dean; I'm so very glad you took me along." He said with a smile

Dean too lies down while Castiel talks about his favorite species of bird, and how they so cleverly make homes in bushes instead of trees, but just then a thought crosses Deans mind and Dean unknowingly interrupts Cas's ramblings.

"Cas, why were you smiling when I called you my friend?"

Cas sits there quite for a moment and then responds to Dean question. "Well isn't obvious Dean I've never had a best friend before. So when you called me your best friend I couldn't help but smile."

Sam laughs. "Man you guys are like watching a soap opera."

Dean looks over to Sam and throws a stick at him. "Shut up, bitch!"

"Whatever jerk." Sam then gets up and picks up all the trash. I'm going to throw this trash away.

While Sam away Cas moves closer to Dean and lies down as well.

"Hey, Cas have you ever looked at the clouds when you were younger?"

"Yeah I did all the time."

"Did it ever want to make you wish that you could fly?"

"Yeah…when I was younger my sister and I would try to imagine what it would be like to fly with the birds."

"I use to look at the sky when ever my dad got wasted." Dean gulps. "He use to be a mean drunk."

"I'm sorry."

Dean huffs. "Don't be, it's not like you could have done something."

Cas is quite so was Dean for a long time neither of them said anything until Cas finally broke the silence.

"Dean."

"Yes Cas?"

"My dad's funeral is tomorrow. I just don't know if I can do it."

"Cas, it will be fine, I will be there with every step of the way."

"I really haven't forgiven him yet."

"In time you will forgive."

"Yeah, but I don't know what to do, I mean cant face those people and tell them my dad was a great guy because he wasn't. He was well known in town, he was their preacher for heaven's sake. Their image of him would be ruined."

"That's not your problem Cas that was your dads, and frankly you don't have to say anything. If they tell you he was a great man. Then don't listen to them. They never really knew him like you did."

"God I hate feeling like a big ball of stress, I just want it to be over with."

"It will all be over with soon; as soon as you find closure you'll feel better. Besides it will give you time to bond with your sister."

"This is nice you know."

"What's nice."

"This, this whole day, it was good for me." Said Cas while smiling at Dean.

"Good."

Dean looks at his side their hands were touching, Dean turns away from Cas while blushing, but neither moved their hands for the rest of the day looking at the clouds.


	8. Chapter 8

It's quite in the car as Dean Drives away from the mental ward; he can feel the tension cramped inside such a small car. He switch's through stations on the radio but doesn't find anything good he then puts in one of his cassettes. He looks over to Cas who is ridged and still. "Hey Cas look everything will be alright, you'll say goodbye to your father and then spend time with your sister, it will all be honky dory."

Cas smiles. "When did you start saying honky dory?"

"I don't know man; I was just trying to ease the tension."

"Yeah well, don't ever say it again."

"Why?"

"Because who says honky dory now like really, it's like saying cool beans."

"And what's wrong with cool beans? "

Cas shakes his head in frustration. "nothing is wrong with cool beans."

Dean laughs, "I really don't know what I do without you."

"Probably die of public embarrassment because you still say honky dory"

Dean shakes his head in disbelief you know I'm getting tired of you harassing me about my choice of trendy phrases. He looks over to Cas again and sees a smile spread across his face. His face had more color now that he had left the ward and his eyes were bright from laughter, Dean couldn't look away, but he does and he wishes he didn't have to. "You didn't shave your peach fuzz." He said quietly.

"They don't give me razors Dean, they groom me."

Dean breath hitches for moment he forgot how could he forget, and why would he bring up Cas's peach fuzz, _Jesus_ he thinks to himself what the hell is wrong with me.

"I'm sorry"

"Don't be you didn't do anything wrong."

"You didn't either you know."

"What are you talking about?"

"I just want to let you know that what you did in the past, it doesn't matter anymore your different now your better now."

"I'm not exactly better; I'm still locked up in a mental ward."

"That's not what I mean, I god I can never say the right thing. Listen Cas you don't have to feel guilty."

"Well that's harder than you think."

"Dam it Cas! Come on you got to stop wallowing in yourself pity."

Cas huffs. "you know you have a enough self pity for both of us Dean."

"And don't I know it, but I'm getting over it."

"Can we please not talk about this right now Dean, I really don't want to feel worse than I already do."

"Fine by me."

They make it to the funeral home where the family meets up to ride together in the limousine to a small white church just outside of town. Dean waits by his impala for further instructions; he notices how Cas shakes everybody's hands and takes their condolences with an emptiness to it.

"Hey you." Says a familiar female voice behind Dean, he knows that velvety voice that is so much different to Castiel's raspy one.

"Hello Anna I wish we were met under better circumstances but it's good to see you again."

"Cut the crap, I know you're here as friend and your trying to look good in front of all his family but really just cut the crap. My dad doesn't really deserve this kind of funeral but you know what helps with all these fake asshats is some good bourbon, and I have a ton in the limo which is just going to fit my brother and I so if you want to hop along, come on in."

"You know I was trying to be respectful, but bourbon sounds good. How long of a drive is it to the chapel?"

"Only 20 minutes but I can get drunk in that amount time and that is what is going to get me through this day."

"You're preaching to the choir sister."

"Anna laughs at Dean, do you just make a pun?"

"Maybe." Dean then notices Cas walk over with a frown on his face.

"Hello, Anna." Castiel says behind her.

"Hey Castiel, you done shaking everybody's hand and playing along with their delusion?"

"Look I don't like this either but can you at least act like dad's death is affecting you."

"Yeah, I tried that and I found that I liked bourbon more."

"Fine what ever gets you through this hell."

"Hey look, just so you know I invited Dean to join us in the limo I figured you would want in there."

"It's fine Anna, Dean can come along." He says coldly while walking off to the limo. Dean and Anna follow behind.

"What was that about?" She asks while nodding towards Cas.

"Nothing we had a fight in the car."

"Was it a big fight?"

"No it was small really; we'll get over it we always do."

"Mmmm, look at you being all romantic and shit."

"To be honest I'm really not."

"Come on! you guys fight like a married couple, tell me that you two are not a thing."

"I wish."

She nudges her shoulder into him. "You are romantic, so shut up."

Dean opens the door for her and they both get in. He looks around an old, green and gaudy interior and sits next to Anna.

"So who wants a swig of bourbon?"

"I do." Anna then hands the bottle to Dean who then takes a huge gulp. "That's good bourbon."

"It should be it was bottled in 1986."

"Mmh, I've never had the good stuff, always the cheap."

"Yeah I prefer the good over the cheap it has more of humph to it."

"Yeah defiantly, but of course I never drank bourbon for the fun I always drank to get drunk. So it was a waste to spend a lot on something you weren't enjoying."

Cas looks over at Dean and notices a coldness in eyes as he talks about his drunken days before he met him. He shifts. He listens to the car rumble and closes his eyes. _Oh god please help me to get this eulogy right. _

"Hey Cas are you alright?"

"Yeah I'm fine Anna."

"Look if it's the eulogy I can read it for you if you want."

"No that's okay."

"You'll do fine Cas."

"You say that now but as soon as I take the podium I know I'm going to choke."

Dean looks at Cas with love not fully understanding what it must be like to have speak in front of people who love and adore your father but have no idea how he really behaved outside of the church. I guess you could say he preached to a congregation but never to himself. "Your braver then you think."

"Thanks Dean but I think I might need more than just strong encouragements to keep me from failing."

They both smile at each and their faces wrinkle that indicates age from a youth that probably wasn't at all too pleasant to them, they stare until the limo finally stops at a hillside church, the very one Castiel's father preached at. Dean looks at bell tower where one must not see much of the landscape but one could find a vast mountain colored with greens and yellows alike. Though Dean hates to admit he finds the eastern part of the United States much more beautiful than the flat lands of Kansas.

"I love this time of the year. "

Dean smiles and notices wonderful light that Cas gets when he finds himself dumfounded with wonder. Dean grabs hold Cas's should and pats him on the pack. "Yeah, yeah, yeah… now come on buddy let's get you to the church on time."

"Well here I go then."

Dean stops Cas from entering the building. "Hey look I'm here for you if just need to talk okay."

"Okay."

After five speeches of how Cas's father was the beckon of the church Cas began to regret his decision to speak his father's eulogy. With knees shaking and breath hitching, Cas finally made it to podium. He took out his speech from his shirt pocket with some difficulty due his nervousness. He began with his name but it was just horrible mess of the English langue he deiced to say it again with much better results.

"Hello everyone, I'm very glad to see many familiar faces here, though I wish it were better circumstances that our reuniting occurred on. I would like to thank you all my father would be very happy to know that you loved him as much as he loved you. When I was asked to give the eulogy by my sister, I thought how could I possibly display my father in light you knew him in. but I simply told myself I couldn't, and I think that's the hardest for anyone to know that their hero wasn't perfect. The fact of the matter no one is perfect we all have demons and we all have our vices. My dad had plenty of demons he kept hidden away. I was one of them. It's strange how at a young age you idolize your parents but then as you grow older you tell yourself you will never be like them. I told myself that a lot while I was away. I told myself that I will never forgive him for sending me away, but here I am at his funeral and the question puzzled me on the way here. I realized my father wasn't bad or evil he was human, and being human comes with all this mess in our life that either takes our humanity or exposes it full throttle. Unfortunately for my father he was faced with a decision to put me in place that could possibly help me or have me stay at home where he couldn't care for me properly. I always understood his decision to send me away but I never understood way he never came to visit, until now. You see my father was never one to show emotion and I knew he had trouble with expressing himself. I always that my dad's humanity was gone in reality I guess he had too much or in other words he felt too much. I think my father was too ashamed to see me in a mental that he sent to me to. He couldn't see me because of guilt; the sad thing is he should have been there for me instead of leaving me alone. I really don't know what my father's problem was but I know that I love him still even if he left even if he wasn't perfect I love him. I will never be able to tell him that and he will never tell be able to tell why he left. I believe this will be my biggest regret in life. I had a whole eulogy prepared but I knew from the moment I set foot on this church I that I will still be lacking in closer if I didn't express who my father really was. He was a great man, but he too also had faults. That's what it means to be human, we virtually fuck everything up and then learn, my father never got the chance to fix what he did but I'm taking mine now. I know a eulogy is suppose to talk about how wonderful somebody is and our good memories of them but I figured good and bad is in a person and every aspect of person should be remembered and talked about, because if we just hideaway the ugly we lose the full image of person. Thank you, for listening I'm rather sorry for being myself for ruining something that should have been done with class."

Cas stepped off away from the podium with a hint of tears in his eyes, he left with some kind of closer. He looks around to a quiet and astounded audience who will no doubt be talking about his crazy ass rambling for a long time in the town. He looks over to his sister sitting still with a blank expression on her face. Then to Dean who has this look of pity in his eyes, no not pity but understanding. Cas sits next to Dean as everyone one gets up to accept the blood and body of Christ. Cas of course doesn't get up, he fails to see the importance of such a ritual, he once at faith but he lost it somewhere between being alone in a mental ward and meeting Dean Winchester who took the last bit of his faith he had left and turned into something much more beautiful than he was expecting. Silly really having so much faith in one man, but to hell with that Cas thinks to himself what is life without a little faith in something if not love.

The casket is then being carried out to the cemetery just outside of the church. Cas gets up and walks behind it with Dean by his side who very shyly takes a hold of Cas's hand and while their hands are entangled Cas's last thought still rings in his head _if not love._


End file.
